Freaking Russia

So I love Russia and I hate Russia. On my mission, I loved the food and church members and little differences between Russian and American culture (like Russian Christmas and Baptism Day). Since coming home, I’ve loved telling people what Russia’s REALLY like instead of them only knowing what they see in American propaganda.

But as soon as I’d bought tickets to go to Moscow in January, I remembered that Russia isn’t a SUPER safe place. Flashbacks of being chased by drunks, dodging flying beer bottles, and being followed by teenagers came back to me. The last month of my mission, it really felt like I had SURVIVED, rather than served, a mission. And now, for some reason, I was going back and would have to SURVIVE another couple days!! Plus, I’d be ALONE this time, no mission companion to provide “safety in numbers.” I WAS GOING TO DIE.

Also (and this is important), I’d forgotten that the Russian government requires Americans to obtain a visa in order to enter their country, even if it’s just for three days, and the cheapest option for a visa cost more than $200. (Before you get too mad at Russia, just remember that we require the same inconvenience of Russians AND that Russians are poorer than us AND I’m pretty sure we deny them visas more often than they deny us visas, but I don’t know for sure.)

I tried for over a month to switch my flight from Moscow to somewhere else: Helsinki, Oslo, Athens, Frankfurt — anywhere but Russia again. Unfortunately, there was no alternative that would cost less than $400, so buying a visa and going to Russia turned out to be most economical option, even if it didn’t feel like the safest.

However, going back to Russia turned out to be one of the best parts of my whole trip. I’m so glad I went and I wish I had enough money to go every year.

The week before going to Russia (and to Europe in general) I was literally dreading it. I would probably get mugged, kidnapped, raped, and killed. But, since all that was most likely to happen in Russia, I told myself that if I could make it past three days in Russia, the rest of my trip (into four other countries and across three weeks) would be CAKE.

I landed in Russia with a dying phone and congested head. My ears wouldn’t pop and none of the outlets in the Domodedovo Airport would work. I had barely been able to sleep in the 15ish hours since I’d left San Diego. Fortunately, I was able to keep my head and not get stressed (which is something I learned about myself on this trip — I don’t get stressed easy).

I walked up to the first Russian I could and asked where I could find an “ay-tee-emm.” They were like, “What the freak are you talking about?” and I was like,”The thing that gives you money,” and they were like, “Over there, you loser American.” (They were a lot nicer than that, I’m just writing what they SHOULD have said.) Literally two steps after walking away from them, though, the Russian word for “ATM” popped into my head — “bankomat.” And I was like, “Yes! I got this!”

I found an ATM and withdrew 3,000 rubles ($50ish). After that, a representative from my favorite Russian phone company (МТС) was standing right outside the gate. I popped out my AT&T SIM card, gave them 1,000 rubles, and they popped in an МТС “seem kartichka” with 12 gigs of data on it. (I only used, like, 3 or 4 gigs in my three days, so that was a bit overkill, but it was nice not to worry about running out of data.)

The Domodedovo Airport is about 30 miles from Moscow, but since Europe is so much better about public transportation, I knew there must be a cheap shuttle to the city somewhere. The train that takes you to Moscow is called Aeroexpress (Аэроэкспресс). It costs 450 rubles and takes about an hour.

After buying some water, I jumped on the train and sat next to a really sweet girl from St. Petersburg who was going into Moscow to visit a friend. She reminded me of how normal and nice Russians are (By “normal,” I mean they’re literally just like Americans. STILL trying to convince people of that.).

I hopped off the tram when it reached its one and only stop: MOSCOW.

Since I served in the Samara Mission, I didn’t really know anyone I could stay with in Moscow. I ended up connecting with a random Russian couple over Couchsurfing who said I could stay with them. We’d agreed to meet in front St. Basil’s on Red Square at 10 pm.

I got off the train and, since I had no idea what I was doing or where I was, I picked a random person and followed him. I figured that he knew where he was going, so I’d follow him until he got there. He went into a big building and down some stairs into the metro. I made a mental note, found a cafe upstairs, charged my phone for a couple hours, then jumped on the metro to Red Square.

An escalator going down into the Moscow Metro.

I’d never been on a real subway before and I’d heard of how confusing the Moscow Metro is, so my only hope of finding Red Square was talking to people. Of course, like I said, Russians are beyond helpful and nice. I asked a babushka and she told me which train to get on and a student told me which stop to get off at. I got out on the street and asked a couple which way Red Square was and another lady corrected me when I took a wrong turn. I found Red Square, took a selfie in front of St. Basil’s, and met up with my hosts Katya and Slava.

I was so relieved to meet Katya and Slava. I’d been ALONE travelling for a day and a half and now I had friends! They were so nice and Katya spoke English very well. They gave me a whole apartment to myself (cuz they have two) and let me babysit their cat! They were the best hosts and they were definitely one the best parts of my trip to Moscow. They showed me around the best parts of Moscow the next day, found a nice banya for me to visit, made me homemade pelmeni (like Russian ravioli), and drove me to the airport on Friday. They’re the literal best!

Landing in Russia WAS the hardest part of my trip. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t know how things would ultimately work out. I had to figure out how to get money, set my phone up, get transportation, navigate the streets of a foreign city, and find a place to sleep. But figuring all that out was really satisfying and making more Russian friends was the best! Despite my initial regrets and misgivings, Russia was one of the best places I visited my whole trip.

Here are some cool things I did while visiting Moscow that I think you should do (plus some tips!):

1) Learn the Cyrillic alphabet or bring someone who knows it. A lot of the signs are transliterated from Cyrillic into English, BUTT unless you’re used to reading and pronouncing words like “Preobrajendkaya” (Преображенская), the English transliteration won’t do you a lot of good.

2) Drink peach juice and Chudo (Чудо) drinkable yogurt and eat chocolate, especially Super Snickers. Why don’t we have more juice and yogurt in America?!! Also, my Norwegian friend tells me that the Snickers in Russia are the best in the world (better than American and Norwegian, at least), and I would have to agree. Ughhhh. AMERICA PLEASE MAKE BETTER FOOOOOOD

3) Eat at a restaurant on Old Arbat Street. Old Arbat is one of the oldest parts of Moscow and has a lot of touristy things to do and see, plus it’s not too far from …

4) RED SQUARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are a couple things at Red Square you should see. 1) St. Basil’s: It’s not an operating church anymore, just a museum. It’s 250 rubles ($5ish) to get in, but it’s very worth it, especially if you wait for the choir upstairs to start singing! 2) Lenin’s tomb: It was closed when I went, but you should see it! 3) The Kremlin: It didn’t even occur to me that you can go inside while I was there, but I hear you need to plan in advance to get tickets to go in. I’m sure it’s way great! 4) GUM:It’s a big shopping center. Go inside and see what it’s like.

5) The Catheral of Christ the Savior: It’s the main cathedral in Moscow and it’s way pretty! It’s also not far from Red Square.

6) Banya it up: The idea of being surrounded by dozens of naked people (if you go in a gender-specific one), getting boiling hot, then drenching yourself with ice cold water (Ice Bucket Challenge eat your heart out) sounds awful to most sane people, but it’s a very Russian thing to do and I loved it. Just know you’ll be SUPER tired after. The one I visited in Moscow was called Sanduny (Сандуны) and I really recommend it. (I’ll post a vid of how-to lates.)

7) Spend time with the people and learn for yourself that they’re not cray cray.

My new friends Slava and Katya. They thought I was cool cuz I’m from California lol.

How to go to Russia (BORING butt informative)

Babushka cat lol

Back in October, I decided that I was a winner and to congratulate myself on being such a winner, I bought open-jaw plane tickets to and from Europe for $900 flying into Moscow and out through Dublin.

HOWEVER, I’m a cheapskate and I forgot that Russia requires you to get a visa (an EXPENSIVE visa too) and an official invitation in order to enter the country, so I tried to reroute my flight for almost a month, but it’s almost impossible to economically change your flight once you’ve purchased airline tickets. LESSON LEARNED.

I finally decided to buy a visa to go back to Russia almost six weeks before my flight to Moscow. I contacted BYU’s Kennedy Center because I heard you can get free help getting a visa (and I was still a student at the time). They directed me to a company called Travel Broker that basically does all the paperwork for you. You pay them $100, they take care of the finer details of the visa application AND get you an invitation into the country. So, no free help, but I think it was the best option for me at that time. The visa itself cost about $250, so the entire visa process cost me about $350. 🙁 But whatever.

Travel Broker sent me to the Russian visa website. They told me to fill in the visa application, then print it out and take it to them.

A couple things about the visa application:

  •  It asks you to list every country you’ve visited for the past couple (five or something) years. I just wrote in every country that’s stamped my passport in the past five (or something) years.
  • It asks you to write the address of every place you’ll be staying in Russia. Travel Broker told me that I could just write any address in the city where I was visiting (Moscow) because the government doesn’t follow up once you get there. So, I just googled a random hotel in Moscow and wrote its address. (And no, I didn’t stay at that hotel and no it wasn’t a problem.)
  • It asks you to write in every city you’ll be visiting and how you plan to travel in between cities. I was only going to be in Moscow, so I didn’t have to worry about that part, but I assume you can just write in whatever you want here too because they most likely won’t be following up on you.
  • It also asks you to write in the dates of every other Russian visa you’ve ever had. If you’ve had multiple Russian visas in multiple passports, you only have to write in the visas that are in your CURRENT (active) passport.
  • Remember that when you’re visiting Russia, if you stay in any city/location for more than three days, you have to register, so it’s easier to plan to be in the city for three days or less.

So that’s basically the tricky part of the visa application.

I filled out all the paperwork, brought it to Travel Broker (they have an office in south Salt Lake), and I had a Russian visa within 2 1/2 weeks.

Next post: what to do/how to survive in Russia. IT WILL BE A FUN POST, I PROMISE.

Why it’s worth going to Russia.

Almost six years ago today, I got my mission call to serve in Russia. When I first realized I would be serving in Russia, I was like, “Crap. Russia.” I didn’t want to go to Russia. The language seemed super hard, the culture and history didn’t seem very interesting, the people never smiled, and I knew it would be a challenge living in a country that had no technology, not even have cars or indoor plumbing.

When I got there in November 2009, I started learning what Russia was actually like.

No technology
First, there ARE cars and indoor plumbing. Before I went to Russia, I thought horses were still the main mode of transportation (the only things I knew about Russia, I’d learned from Fiddler on the Roof and Anastasia, so can you blame me????), but after being in Russia for a day I quickly realized that cars, indoor plumbing, and even light bulbs are just as common in Russia as they are in America. In fact, the biggest cities and tallest buildings I’ve ever seen are in Russia, so it is definitely just as modern and developed as America.

Unfriendly people
Everyone in America told me that Russians never smiled and were a pretty tough people to befriend. HOWEVER, some of the FIRST THINGS I saw in Russia were couples walking outside holding hands and SMILING, friends walking around together and SMILING, and people just looking like normal people, not like the communist robots I’d heard about. I realized that most of the Americans who’d told me about Russia had never actually been there, so how would they know what Russians are actually like?

Russia is effing cold. I had heard the word “cold” before my mission, but never actually knew what it meant. I’d lived in California basically my whole life, so the coldest I’d ever felt was, like, 32°F. When I got to Russia, winter was just starting, so it was 32ish°, which I thought was the coldest it could ever be. I was so cold, I wore two scarves: one for my neck and the other for my face. People told me I looked like a Muslim woman.

They’d laugh and say, “You know it’s going to get colder, right?” and I’d laugh and say, “That’s not even possible, right?” But it did get colder. The coldest I ever felt was -40° (which is where Fahrenheit and Celsius meet), but that wasn’t typical. -5°F to -15°F was pretty normal. Cold, but livable.

I learned to enjoy the cold, so much so that when I went back to Russia after my mission, I made sure to go during the winter. To me, Russia isn’t Russia if your nose hairs don’t freeze.

Hard language
Yeah, Russian’s hard, at least for me, no getting around that. The alphabet only takes, like, two weeks to learn, but actually speaking the language sucks butt. However, I think being able to understand is much more important than being able to express yourself. Listening for the few words I understood and paying attention to context went a long way in helping me understand what people were saying to me. And, since I had a mission companion, I could rely on him to say what needed to be said.

So the language is daunting, but it isn’t everything.

Uninteresting history and culture
So Russians may not be the cold-hearted people that Americans make them out to be, but they certainly have a colorful history. They’ve existed as a people for nearly 1,000 years, so of course they’ve had some super interesting stuff happen. They were invaded by Huns, they drove the Huns out, they had fake tsars the people elected, they had real tsars the people killed, they had fake tsars they elected then decided to kill, they have beautiful literature and art, they had communism, they sent the first man into space, they had Stalin, they have Putin, and BORIS NEMTSOV WAS SHOT FIVE DAYS AGO OH MY GOSH WHERE IS THE TRUTH AT? So, interesting stuff.

Of course, I didn’t know a lot of this while I was actually living in Russia since I was busy doing the WORK OF THE LORD, but I learned it in college after and it explained a lot of what I’d seen on my mission. So definitely take a Russian history course if you get the chance, especially if you’ve been to Russia before and you’re wondering “What the eff???”

So I ended up having a blast in Russia. I finished my mission three and a half years ago, but I really wanted to go back, so that brings us to the next part of this story ….

Is it worth it to pay for a study abroad????? AKA I went to Eurussia on the cheaps

Gordy Yates had the big fat dream of going to Eurussia and having a cray cray vacay.**** So, he bought a plane ticket to Russia and started saving his money (lol — really he just stopped going out to eat and buying deodorant). He left, traversed all across the Eurussian wilds for 24 blissful days, and returned a happy and fulfilled young gentleman. Do you want to make your cray cray dreams come true?

Looking so happy and so fly in Moscow.

If you want to make your cray cray dreams come true and want to get a small itsy-bitsy baby idea of what it might cost, here’s a little break down:

  • Multi-city (aka open-jaw) ticket to Eurussia (San Diego –> Moscow, Dublin –> Salt Lake) (United Airlines/Lufthansa): $903.26
  • Traveler’s insurance (probably a smart idea even though I don’t know what it’s for): $49.95
  • Russian visa (Thanks, Obama/Putin): $351.90 (I got it through Travel Broker, which is a company that basically does all the paperwork for you and you pay them $100ish. So I could have gotten the visa for cheaper, but I really don’t know how, so it was worth it in my oponion.)
  • Flight from Moscow (Domodedovo) to London (Gatwick) (EasyJet): $158.53 (could’ve gotten it for, like, $50 if I’d bought it a month or two sooner :(((((( )
  • Flight from London (Standsted) to Oslo (Rygge) (Ryanair): $24.51 (#unbelievablycheap)
  • Flight from Oslo (Rygge) to Milan (Bergamo) (Ryanair): $21.09
  • Bus from Austria/Germany back to Milan: $25.58
  • Flight from Milan (Bergamo) to Dublin (Ryanair): $29.43

I bought all this (minus the bus ticket) BEFORE going to Europe.

Total pre-Euro costs: $1,564.25

Once I got to Eurussia, my bank charged me $5 every time I withdrew money at an ATM or 3% every time I used my debit card to pay for things. I always withdrew cash and avoided using my card. Some countries, like Norway, have chip cards instead of magnetic strip cards, so American cards don’t always work, so I used cash 99.99% of the time. At the start of my trip, I withdrew in increments of $50ish, but by the end of trip, it was increments of $150ish.

A harbor in Norwegia. Literally so pritt.

The total amount I withdrew while in Europe was $1,295.15, which combined with $55 in withdrawal fees, is $1,350.15.

What did I spend all that $$$$ on? I didn’t keep an exact record, but according to what I remember/train tickets and phone cards I saved (none of this is exact, y’all):

  • Food and chocolate: $388.43
  • Intercity transport (long train and bus rides): $189.56
  • SIM cards and data: $186.50
  • Housing: $160.50
  • Public transport (short train and bus rides): $101.64
  • “Cultural experiences” (museums and junk): $100.50
  • “Souvenirs” (pants, sweater, hat, socks, and an extra bag): $81


So, in total, it cost this little boy $2,914.40 to make his dreams come true for 24 days in Eurussia. He thinks he’s a winner.

A sample of the exotic cuisine this little boy sampled in the Eurussian wilds.

I went to BYU’s Kennedy Center website and compared this to what it costs to do a study abroad in Europe. I always thought, “Why pay tuition AND pay to travel? That must be a crap-ton expensive!” but I never knew for sure if I was right.

Well, after a quick survey, I found out that I’m right. A study abroad that’s 33-days-long and visits 8 countries (I went to 9) is $5,200-5,600 NOT INCLUDING airfare, public transport, museums, and most meals. So, crap, that’d probably be, like, three times more expensive than what I did in the long run.

Of course, there are other study abroad options that are cheaper/might be more worth it (like a water study that’s only $2,200-2,400 in Belgium and The Netherlands INCLUDING airfare and museum entry) and if you have a scholarship, it would be cheaper for sure. BUT if you’re like me, you’ve never had any luck getting a scholarship (#BaveragestudentatBYU) and you love figuring things out for yourself without The Man interfering (we all know I like to avoid hanging out with The Man).

So, yeah, I’m a major … I mean Gordy’s … a major winner. Go Gordy, right? And I coulda done it cheaper!!!! (keep an eye out for those blogs l8r)

Joy that cannot be contained. Honestly, my eyes creep me out in this pic.

And the adventure’s not over yet! Maybe some Taiwan or South Amricka this summer? And keep an eye out for #EURUSSIACRAYCRAYVAYCAY2016 next March. And give me money maybe so I can go?

****Urban Dictionary spells it both “vaycay” and “vacay,” just FYI. Not sure which I prefer — vote below!

Station Twenty-two (and Three Quarters)

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You know a sandwich is good when it takes you a day and a half to stop thinking about it. This story is about one of those sandwiches.

There’s a tale of boy who runs into a train station wall and is magically transported to a magical school. I don’t know a whole lot about magic (JK — I do), but running into Station 22 is almost as magical as running into a wall.

This little sandwich shop is located on Center Street, which means that eating here is a hipster adventure. The vibe is a step more hipster than Guru’s: the menu is shorter and seasonal (meaning it’s based off of ingredients available during that time of year), the space is smaller (giving it a cozy feel), it’s filled with the randomest knickknacks (like cowboy boots and toy ships on shelves, sheet music used as light covers, and hunting mounts hanging on walls), and you drink out of MASON JARS. But, like Guru’s, it’s not a gross hipster place (I’m sure the people here wash their hands and take showers).

The specialty here is sandwiches and the prices are pretty reasonable. Most menu items run around $10.

I ordered the Memphis Chicken Sandwich. This sandwich is made of the crispiest, juiciest piece of fried chicken you can imagine, topped with red cabbage coleslaw and a spicy butter glaze, placed lovingly in a ciabatta bun. I was a little nervous about the red cabbage slaw since, for the most part, I don’t believe in pickled foods, but it worked on this sandwich.

Memphis Chicken Sandwich with fries

The chicken is the best piece of fried chicken you’ve ever tasted: tender, juicy, and crunchy all at once; the coleslaw gives the sandwich the tiniest taste of sour, the cabbage adding a delicate crunch to every bite; and the spicy glaze gives the whole ensemble the slightest little zing. All the flavors stand out from each other, but they simultaneously work together. This sandwich was deeyyyuuung good — I literally couldn’t stop thinking about it all the next day (the fact that I was in church until 4:30 may or may not have had something to do with that).

The fries were good: crispy, delicious. I’ve also sampled their sweet potato wedges and those are DANG good. However, the fry sauce here is gross — I can’t eat it. It tastes too mustardy and Gordy don’t like mustard. I asked for barbecue sauce instead, but even that was gross — it tasted bitter (come to think of it, they may have given me Worcestershire sauce instead of barbecue sauce … not sure why). Best to stick with ketchup ’round these parts.

I came here on a date and my date ordered the Club 22. She say it was good (like, she really liked it). I’ve been here a couple times on dates and neither me nor my dates have ever been disappointed (but I will say I prefer their sandwiches to their burgers).

Club 22 with sweet potato wedges, photo cred to special guest photographer Paige Bennett

So in this back-to-school season, if you want to take yourself on a magical journey, run into Station 22. It won’t suck, promise.

The back of cafe has a wall full of soda. I don’t support soda, but it’s pretty nift to look at.

Sub Zero is okay

So I went to Sub Zero Ice Cream on Friday after the stupid BYU football game. I’d never been, but I’d heard lots of things about it. Mostly, I’d heard that it was real sciencey, so I was intrigued by that. Heads up, though: it’s way overpriced (like, $7 for a small bowl). But liquid nitrogen IS expensive, so that’s fair.

Sub Zero’s thing is that they use liquid nitrogen to freeze your ice cream right before your eyaz. You choose a base (normal premium cream, lowfat cream, custard, yogurt, nondairy milk, soy milk, or rice milk), choose a flavor (they have a plentitude to throw in — choco powder, fruity flavors, and other junk), and then maybe some mix-ins (like brownie bits or fruit chunks or whatever), then they spray it with the liquid nitrogen (or whatever — I don’t know how it works, but here’s a video of the scientific process), then they scoop it into a cone or bowl for you.

Cool process, but how does it taste?

I chose premium cream because it was obviously gonna be the best/tastiest. Then, because I’d been using this super-good-smelling mango and pomegranate soap all week, I chose mango flavor. I didn’t get any mix-ins because they cost 70 cents a pop and I’m a cheapskate.

Mango, yo.

The texture was terribly creamy. Just cream on cream on cream rolling through my mouth. I loved it.

Unfortunately, the mango was super fake-tasting and I don’t like super fake. I like my ice cream like I like my women: real and THICK. Even though it was creamy enough, the mango tasted like waxy chapstick. After the first couple bites, I got used to it, but it didn’t taste like how I liked that soap. So sad.

I sampled some other flavors to see if just the mango was sad. Chocolate was legitimately good, cheesecake was super sugary, and raspberry was good too.

Brownie batter. Mmmmmmmmm.

So if you want to take your tongue for a stroll on the sciencey side, take it to Sub Zero, but maybe ask someone there for a flavor suggestion.

Bahston pizza

Once upon a time in a place called America, there was a city on the east coast where free-blooded Americans and awful British people or, as they were known in that day, Tommy Redcoats, lived together. The Tommy Redcoats lived terribly happy lives, but only because they spent all the times oppressing the free-blooded Americans.

One day, the free-blooded Americans decided to do something to get rid of the Tommy Redcoats. They knew that the Tommy Redcoats really liked tea: they drank it for breakfast, lunch,dinner, and teatime. The free-blooded Americans thought that if they hid all of the Tommy Redcoats’ tea, they would leave for good.

So, on Christmas Eve when all the Tommy Redcoats were sleeping, the free-blooded Americans snuck into the Tommy Redcoats’ kitchens and took their tea. Then they ran to the local harbor and tossed the tea into the ocean so that the Tommy Redcoats could never find it.

When the Tommy Redcoats awoke in the morning, they went to have their morning spot-o-tea, but couldn’t find any. They looked in all their cupboards, but there was no tea to be found. So, they walked up to the American President and asked where they could find some more tea. He said, “Not here. Maybe in British England.”

So the Tommy Redcoats packed up all their things and moved back to England, leaving the free-blooded Americans to be freer and bolder than ever before.

This event came to be known as the Great Boston Tea Party and is still written about in American history books today.

Thankfully, the free-blooded Americans and the British (as they are known today) became best friends by means of a young ambassador named Harry Potter and fabulous garden parties between Thomas Roosevelt and Margerie Thatcher.

And that is how the city of Boston came to be world-famous.

Our very own Provo has a restaurant that honors this famous city’s cuisine: the Nicolitalia Pizzeria (or, as the younger generation calls it, the NCMO-italia Pizzeria … boom chicka chicka). I went to visit this landmark of Provo patriotism with an authentic person who once lived in Boston. It was a special special special special special special dinner time. And the person was a girl.

Here, everything is in Bostonian which, as my girl-person told me, means you put a really pronounced “A” sound in random words. So instead of “appetizers,” here’s it’s “appetizAHs,” instead of “paremesian,” it’s “pAHmesiAHn,” and the like.

Anyway, I asked the girl-person what we should eat and she, being the Bostonian she is, suggested we got the Nicolitalia Special. We got a large (14”) pizza and a side of breadsticks. The total was about $20 and there was definitely enough to fill both of us up.

The Nicolitalia Special is basically a combo pizza. Sausage, onions, peppAHroni, mushrooms, and peppAHs deck this pizza out. According the the girl I was with, these toppings make the signature Boston pizza. I’ll take her word for it. As far as I’m concerned, it was just a dAHn good pizza.


The sausage was just a tinge spicy, the onions were juicy and flavorful, the peppahs were fresh, and the peppahroni and mushrooms blended into the background, enhancing the flavor and texture of the overall pizza. Also, the crust was perfect: just a bit crisp on the outside, yet chewy and fluffy on the inside. Derng.

Proof that we ate it.

The sauce and cheese were also good. The sauce was flavorful, but there wasn’t too much of it (a good thing). It seems that the cheese’s primary purpose was to keep the toppings attached to the top of the pizza. There was just enough of it to cover the whole surface of the pizza, yet not so much that it wasn’t dripping from the pizza. Get out of town, Tommy Redcoats! America’s got this pizza under control!

The breadsticks were also good. They were all different, definitely made by hand at the restaurant, not some made-in-China box. Some were skinny, some were lumpy, some were skinny and lumpy. They were all very soft and chewy, definitely not as crisp as the pizza crust. We ordered the house sauce (a mix of marinara and ranch dip) to dip them into. It was a pleasurable experience.

In order to appreciate America’s rich heritage of not drinking tea and getting rid of people we don’t like, all free-blooded Americans must go here. The pizza’s real good and so are the NCMO’s boom chicka chicka.

Get rid of the stressmester

Doesn’t going to BYU suck sometimes? If you’re like me, you flew by in high school (and community college), but doing real college is a lot harder. What make it so hard?!! What’s the secret?

Well the secret might be:

1) Before the end of this month, you’ll probably have taken at least one  midterm, written two papers about stuff you didn’t even want to read about, and read two books you’d never heard of before.

2) Don’t forget you’re a Mormon, which means you probably need to write a talk, visit your home (or visiting) teachees, and plan a ward activity before the end of the month too.

3) Add to this the twenty hours of work you squeeze in on a weekly basis and:

Your life is a jungle gym of stress, complete with monkey bar midterms, relationship slides, and that spinny-wheel thing that gives you a headache and makes you want to throw up.

 Although you may feel stressed enough, there’s one more thing you have to do which is all-too-often ignored: Family History work. Joseph Smith said, “We without [our ancestors] cannot be made perfect; neither can they without us be made perfect” (Doctrine and Covenants 128:18). Recent Church leaders have particularly encouraged youth and young adults (i.e. the computer-literate generation) to be actively involved in Family History research. So basically, do your Family History or go to hell. No pressure.

But when you hear a talk about Family History, you’re kind of like:


Understandably, Family History work gets pushed to the sidelines in your life. You might go to a Family History class or attend the temple periodically, but aside from that, the hard-core, nitty gritty of researching your ancestors gets pushed back to “someday when.” “Someday, when I don’t have homework anymore,” or, “Someday, when I’m retired.”

Oy vey! With all the fraking things already attacking your attention, what are the effects of doing Family History research on your stress level?

As a student entering my fifth year of college (anticipating my effing sixth), I’ve tried a lot of methods of de-stressing myself. Some, like regular exercise and temple attendance, have been effective. Others, like spending four hours a day on Facebook or watching movies all weekend, have not been effective. I think the reason has something to do with this: if I’m taking a break by doing something I know I should do anyway (like exercise), then I feel less stress. If I take a break by doing something I know I should do sparingly (like check Facebook), I’m just going to stress myself out more. I’m no genius or anything, but it turns out I’m on the right track.

According to the Internet, having a productive hobby can simplify your life by reducing the pressures you feel from other obligations. The Internet says, “Serious hobbyists feel less anxiety, depression and hostility, and enjoy more positive moods than people who spend their time in other ways.” A stress-relieving hobby should be challenging, but not so hard that it makes you want to give/throw up. However, passive hobbies, such as watching TV or having a one-man pizza-eating contest, are bad hobbies.

How many nights have you postponed homework by watching a movie, playing a video game, eating a bowl of cookie dough, or staring at your roommates doing their homework, just because you needed some time to de-stress?

A truly effective method of de-stressing is by participating in a guilt-free hobby. Why not do Family History as a guilt-free, stress-reducing hobby?

Family History is hard, but the hard part of Family History work can largely be eliminated if you’re a BYU student. Major resources at BYU are available for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

  • First, the BYU Family History library is open seven days a week (except for the first and third Sundays of the month) and offers Family History classes.
  • Second,, the world’s LARGEST database of genealogical documents, can be accessed for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee when you’re hooked up to BYU Internet. Whoa.

As with many hobbies, getting started on your Family History can be hard, but it becomes easier the longer that you do it, and, when you do it at BYU, starting isn’t as awful as it could be.

Also, you could start with an easy part of Family History, then move on to the hard parts as you gain more experience and confidence. Different aspects of Family History include:

  • keeping a personal history (easy)
  • interviewing family members on the verge of death and recording their stories (easy)
  • indexing (never been a fan)
  • digitizing old photos and sharing them online (you’d get legit kudos if you did this)
  • doing the research for your own ancestors and taking their names to the temple (my favorite)

As you get tired of doing one certain part of Family History work, you can move on to a different part, gaining new skills and knowledge the whole way. #winning

When you do start working on the nitty gritty research for your own ancestors, have a specific goal for a specific ancestor instead of trying to do the work for multiple ancestors at once. Otherwise, you’re gonna have a bad time. Also, don’t research your ancestors ONLY to do their temple work. The real benefits come from learning who your ancestors actually were.

Family History is totes a worthwhile distraction from school. By spending an hour or so doing Family History research each week, I’m able to find information about ancestors that no one in my family has known before. I’m able to reunite families that have been separated for centuries. Heckfire, doing Family History research and taking my ancestors’ names to the temple is a lot more satisfying than going to the Testing Center has ever been.

If you’ve served a mission, how great would it be to take a break from the constant nagging of homework by feeling the way you did on your mission? Even if you haven’t served a mission, you’ll find that a servicful hobby is much more rewarding than scrolling through Facebook or eating a carton of ice cream.

But perhaps you feel that all of your Family History work has been done already and, therefore, taking up Family History as a hobby would be pointless. My BEST FRIEND Kaden Taylor is the great-great-great-grandson of John Taylor. You’d think he wouldn’t have any Family History work to do, but of course he does, just a bit less than the average Mormon.

Kaden tells me that having less ancestors that need temple work allows him to focus his research. He also likes the idea of finding information that no one in his family has known before. Dang, he’s great.

Doing Family History was something specially designed for our generation. We’re pros at Facebook-stalking our crushes and googling random crap that we NEED TO KNOW. Why not do the same thing for our ancestors?

“It is no coincidence that FamilySearch and other tools have come forth at a time when young people are so familiar with a wide range of information and communication technologies,” Elder Bednar said in the October 2011 general conference. “The skills and aptitude evident among many young people today are a preparation to contribute to the work of salvation.”

As a Latter-day Saint, you’re also a pro at deciding what’s important and devoting your energy to that. For example, even though money is a very necessary part of life, you set aside ten percent of your income to give as tithing, still having enough to pay the bills and go on dates. You’re also capable of fulfilling a calling, a commitment that’s sometimes a full-time job at other churches, while still fulfilling work and school obligations. Heck, you may even be so good at time management that you set aside work and school obligations for eighteen months to two whole years in order to serve a full-time mission. Being a Latter-day Saint is to your advantage when it comes to setting aside time to do Family History research. Time management and making priorities are something you’ve been doing your whole LDS life.

Adding Family History to your list of priorities is not something that will drag you down and drown you like a sack of unwanted puppies. Family History is a sure-fire way to take your mind off your hectic day-to-day life and allow you to think about what matters most.

Your life is busy and you’re doing your best to meet all your school, work, and Church obligations. Thankfully, you have Family History to take your mind off things every now and again. Take advantage of the resources available at BYU to make Family History research a guilt-free break from your stress-prone life.

In the Red Bluff

As many of you are possibly aware, American Christmas was this last week. As such, BYU decided to ruin er’body’s lives and schedule finals for the week right before Christmas. It’s like going to school in the atheist Soviet Union where they don’t care about Christmas or how cold it is or how many stray cats are wandering around on the streets unloved. I got some issues I got to talk to Cecil about.
I think finals should finish AT LEAST ten days before the Christmas holiday to allow Gordy adequate time to think about how great Christmas is. I just need a moment to get ready for Christmas WHATEVER.
So I’m in a California city called Red Bluff for Christmas break and the weird thing is it’s where I’m from. One of the brightest jewels on California’s I-5, gateway to Mt. Lassen, home to the largest rodeo on the west coast — every time I come home, it’s hard to believe that I was raised here.
Anyway, my daddy decided to love me more than the rest of his children and take me out to lunch today. We went to the best restaurant in the greater Red Bluff area: M&M Ranch House. M&M is located in what we call “Cow Town”: a collection of little stores on the outskirts of Red Bluff next to some nut orchards and the Tehama County fairground. My sister and I actually used to go to school there in a jumble of old, abandoned offices. We would do PE on the cement slab at the end of the parking lot and take walks through the nut orchards. You could call it idyllic. You could also call it unforgettable (if something’s hard to forget, that means it was really enjoyable).
Closed on Sundays. I don’t believe I want to live in a country where you have to stay open on Sunday to do business.
If you’ve ever had a burger with me, you know that I ALWAYS order the western burger wherever I go, which is a good-bad thing. It’s good because western burgers is nearly always the best burger on any menu because it’s covered in BARBECUE SAAAUUUZZZEE. It’s bad cuz always ordering the western burger prevents me from trying new things. BUTT I like what I like so sue me WHATEVER.
I’m not the only one who thinks M&M’s is ridicucray delicious. Every year, the local paper sponsors a food chompotition to see which restaurant makes a particular food item the best. One year, it was to see who made pancakes the best. Another year, it was salad bars. M&M won the chompionship for having the best burger in the greater Red Bluff area. The M&M western burger officially known as “The Ringer” is, supposedly, the best hamburger in Red Bluff. It’s a tastey little number with (What else?) barbecue sauze, onion rings, lechuga (Is that “lettuce” or “milk” in Spanish?), tomatoes, bacon, and your choice of cheeeeez. They also put a nasty pickle on it, but you can get rid of that business by saying, “I don’t want no dang pickle on my masterpiece burger deliciousness.”
Naturally, when Father took me out this afternoon, I ordered (without question) The Ringer. This place is so fancy they asked me “how” I wanted my burger. I got it medium well, because well is dry and rare is really dross. I also requested pepper jack cheese because it’s a quality cheese that adds a little zing, but not too much of a zing, as if the cheese were trying to surprise you, but not too much (like a Mike Wazowski scare).
Mein Ringer. There’s a knife in the top!! This place is cRaZy!!
Hot dangaroo. This burger tastes like how I imagine the Red Bluff Roundup Rodeo would taste (I’ve actually never been, but I’ve spent a fair amount of time at the fairgrounds since I also went to school there during my freshman year). It’s smothered in barbecue sauze — almost too much, but it’s that edginess that keeps you interested (like a classy lady or PG-13 movie). The cheese is melted perfectly, the softness of the cheese contrasting with the perfect crisp of the bacon. Add to this the flavorful, barbecue taste of the patty, and you’ve got yourself the perfectest burger in the whole greater Red Bluff area. It’s as if the fires of Smaug* have been blasted upon this burger to make all of it’s elements an adventure of taste and texture that slide down into your tummy to make the most rocking party your inner parts have ever experienced.
The lettuce is crispy, the tomato is juicy, and the onion rings are crispy juicy. The bun isn’t toasted, which is something to which I usually am adamantly opposed, but this bun stays together well even amidst the crazy adventure of burgery goodness that goes inside of it (although I would not be opposed if Smaug* turned his fire to toast the bun as well).
Along with your burger, you can order tots, fries, or crisscut fries. I had just read the Napoleon Dynamite script on the train to California, so I naturally ordered the tots. They were crizpy and good and me and Daddy liked them.
Now, I’ll be on a train back to the Utah freezing cold come Monday, so don’t worry about the future of PFB. I’ll be back in Provo eating food next week, so be thou excited. Bingo dingo!
License plates and bull horns. #proofiminredbluff

The restaurant gets its name from the founders, a husbo/wife combo both named “M,” but they decided to decorate with tacky M&M candy figurines. Fancy.
My padre what loves me more than anyone.

*Disclaimer: I don’t encourage nobody to go watch the new Hobbit movie. Why would I?

Denny’s and free food what?!!

I’m totally not going to do a restaurant review of Denny’s. While it is good food, PFB is dedicated to restaurants unique to Provo (at least, restaurants that aren’t in California), so I’m totes not gonna talk about the food.

As anyone in Provo/Orem knows, you see a crapton of out-of-staters with their missionary sons/daughters on Wednesdays, which is the day new missionaries arrive at the Provo MTC. They’re crawlin’ all over the Walmart grabbing whatever they forgot to pack. They’re all over the temple taking pictures with their families right before they go into the MTC. And they’re also eating out, filling their bodies with fake, greasy food since they won’t get enough of that in the MTC cafeteria (#sarcasm). (It’s actually smart to make sure your missionary has something to eat, since they go into the MTC at noon o’clock-ish, but the MTC doesn’t feed them until 4-ish. Four hours of no food?! That’s not American.)

My wonderful cousin Juanita Marple flew into town yesterday so that she could enter the MTC today (Argentina, baby!). But before we took her to the MTC, we decided to go to Denny’s where they give missionaries entering the MTC FREE food. It’s kind of a sweet deal. All we had to do was say she was a missionary and that was it (she was dressed as one, anyway). I had to pay for my food, but the girl got her food for FREE. Daaaaaaanguh.

Nita and Carol. I can’t tell who’s more excited for Nita’s mission to start. Daaaaaanguh

After dropping her off, I googled where else in Provo missionaries canst eat free on Wednesday. Here’s a little bit of a list:

  • Sizzler’s in Provo
  • IHOP in Orem
  • Chuck-A-Rama in Provo
  • Olive Garden in Provo
I haven’t double-checked whether all these restaurants actually do give missionaries free food; the Internet just told me. Some of the websites I read hadn’t been updated in a couple of years, so they may not be 100% completely accurate.
BUTT if you have a friend coming to the MTC in Provo and want to show them a good time before they leave you for two years, check out some of the Provo’s hospitality/holy restaurants.


Sometimes, people talk about how undiverse BYU is. And when they do that, I think they’re liberals.

As per the request of frequent reader Cari Beut, I decided to go to Slab Pizza, located just beneath Campus Plaza Apartments and right beside the Duck Pond/Rape Hill in scenic south Provo.

To me, it’s one of the most perfectest restaurants to go for a date. The romantic locale, the smell of pizza crust baking, a huge flat screen that’s always showing some sport so I can show off my sport knowledge whilst my date slowly befalls into my deep brown eyes.

Actually, the first time I went to Slab was on a brthr/sstr date with Carlos when she first moved to Provo. The Slab people messed up her order, so they made her what she’d actually ordered AND gave her the order they messed up. I’ve loved Slab every day since that day; that’s quality you can taste.

Slab is proof that BYU is diverse and tastes good. At Slab, they make lots of different types of pizzas. Each pizza is 20” and cut into four equal slices or “slabs.” There are normal flavors like cheese and pepperoni, then crazier flavors like Hawaiian, BBQ chicken, and vegetarian, then REALLY crazy flavors like chicken Cordon bleu, real Hawaiian (including SPAM), and breakfast. You order by the slab, so you don’t have to get a full pizza if you don’t want to. Each slab costs 4 to 7 dollars, depending on how crazy the flavor is.

Some of these flavors might sounds like they wouldn’t be good on a pizza, but that’s the great thing about Slab: they make pizza in the sense that there’s a crust, sauce, cheese, and toppings, but depending on the flavor, it may not taste like pizza at all. My favorite is the chile verde. It has a super good enchilada/salsa-type sauce that’s covered in cheese, chiles, and slow-roasted pork, dabbed with sour cream, and topped with a bit of cilantro (I love cilantro). It literally tastes like a taco and I love it love it love it. Last time I went, I got the Thai chicken. It was super good too: it had some type of curry for the sauce, cheese (but not too much), super delicious chicken, onions, peppers, peanut sauce, and cilantro (I LOVE cilantro). It tasted like I was sitting in Thailand, eating real Thai chicken while petting a tiger. Whatever you order, the crust is thin and baked so that it’s nice and crispy. If you like pizza, you’ll love Slab, and if you hate pizza, you’ll like Slab because you can order something that doesn’t taste like pizza.

Slab is great for me cuz it keeps me from spending all my money. Usually when I go out to eat on a date, I order an entree and a side because I want my date to think I have lots of money and therefore will be able to support her when in case we get married. At Slab, though, the menu is super simple: the only thing on the menu is pizza. Hence, I don’t have to show off my money bags to the ladies. Cha-ching.

“You should be a picture, Gordy, cuz you’re hot.” – My date lol

So people who think BYU is undiverse: come to Slab and see how freaky diverse BYU can be. #realtalk

That time I ate healthy for four months

So people, I decided back in June that I was going to do something cray-cray: I decided to stop eating processed foods and only eat things my ancestors would have been able to make themselves. This means produce, nuts, dried fruit (with no sugar added), beans, and meat were the ONLY foods allowed to enter my stomach chamber. It also included rice and whole wheat flour, but I don’t really eat very much of those unless I’m following a recipe or something or other. Eating completely unprocessed is a little crazy, but it’s also way healthy. (Some people might call this the “Paleo Diet,” butt I don’t know cuz I never looked it up/cared about the rules.)

Now, a lot of you are probably wondering why I wanted to do a “diet.” I know a lot of you (girls) are thinking, “But Gordy! You’re so hot! I want my husband to look exactly like you! You are the fairest of all the males I have ever seen. Y’all don’t need no diet.”

To this, I reply: I know. I had considered doing this “eating healthy” thing before, but always decided against it because, like you said, I have a really hot body. REALLY hot.

So why come I did it then? Right you asked, Internet people, because I’m about to tell you why.
I was visiting my homeland of northern California for Sister #3’s (or Sibling #4, whatever you want to call it) wedding in June. Whilst I was there, I did the normal things I do at home: dancey dance time, watch Netflix, watch my mom watch Netflix, go to Walmart, and watch Golden Girls with the gma.

I also ate NONSTOP. Eating is one of my favorite things and I consider it to be a good thing (I have a food blog for hecka crying out loud). But while I was sitting there working on a bag of chips and salsa one day, I couldn’t help but wonder:

And then I began to realize things about my attitude toward food. Being raised in a house with six siblings was kind of like living in the Hunger Games:

So that dinnertime is kind of like this:
To the point that whenever there are leftovers, things get a little bit like this:

Considering this, I recalled times when I was in my apartment (back in Provo), cooking and eating dinner for hours. Also, eating my roommates’ food if they left it out too long. Also, making sure to eat all the food possible whenever someone invites me over for dinner. Also, accidentally biting my iPod nano once because I thought it was a piece of candy. For me, eating was something like this:

I also thought about all the times I went to parties and ate as much food as possible just because it was there.

Eating wasn’t something I did to become full or even enjoy myself. It was something I did because I was a food robot that had to eat all the food.

So as I sat there on that chip-and-salsa June afternoon, I decided to do something with myself. I decided that from July 1 until November 1 (four months!), I would ONLY eat unprocessed foods. Here were my rules:

1) Eat only unprocessed foods. That means lots of cooking from scratch. If I didn’t make the food myself (like if I was buying bread or butter or yogurt), I had to be able to identify all the ingredients that went into the food as originally unprocessed.

2) I was allowed to use seasonings in the stuff I cooked/baked. I don’t know how unprocessed a lot of the seasonings I used are, but I didn’t care: I wasn’t giving up flavor. Most of the seasonings I usually use are salt, pepper, basil, cumin, and chili powder.

3) I was allowed to eat processed foods at restaurants to do this blog and on dates.

4) If I was at a party or other such social gathering, I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted just for the sake of not being “that guy.”

5) Also, as noted in PFB’s Guide to Travel, if I was on vacasheaux, I was WAY allowed to eat anything I wanted. That’s why it’s called “vacasheaux.”

6) Cheat days: I decided to do cheat days as follows: One day good (July 1), one day cheat (July 2), two days good (July 3 and 4), one day cheat (July 5), three days good (July 6-8), one day cheat (July 9), etc. Also all holidays were deemed cheat days (so really, July 4 was a cheat day … oops). But this was really nice because I was able to ease myself into this “healthy eating” thing, like a Russian going into the water on the Day of Baptism.

The first week was pretty easy because of the plentitude of cheat days. Things got harder as the cheat days got farther and farther apart, though. The first month was the hardest because I cheated on lotsa days when I wasn’t supposed to and I was like, “Can I even do this?!!!” But I persevered. By the time it was September, I was excited because I’d made it so far and I only had two months left (only two months, I am so positive).

Eating “healthy” did things to me. Since I had the rule that I could only eat unprocessed food, it kind of put me into “fasting mode.” You know how when you’re fasting, you always are about to go eat something, but then you’re like, “Whoops, I’m fasting! Not gonna do that!” That’s basically how it was. I’d want to eat something processed, but then I’d be all like, “Oops, can’t do that right now, I’ll just eat an orange or two or five.” Obviously, since I couldn’t eat all the things I wanted, I ended up eating less, which is something most Americans should be doing anyway.

Also, I didn’t notice before, but when I was a food robot, my stomach always felt like it had a live mouse running around in it. When I stopped eating so much, my stomach quieted down. On cheat days, if I ate too much, that crazy rodent would come back and make me feel just as sick as I used to feel. It’s weird how I used to feel so sick all the time but never noticed until I stopped eating all the bad food.

When I did eat, I ate a lot, but I also got full more easily. This is probably because 1) I started eating less, so my stomach shrank and 2) the food I was eating was more filling. As Americans, most of our diet is made up of grains (crackers, cereal, granola bars, chips, sandwiches, cake, brownies, pasta, pizza). While it’s true that grains are on the bottom of the food pyramid and, therefore, we needs lots of them, we also eat a disproportionate amount when compared with the rest of our diet. We also need plenty of fruits, veggies, dairy, and meat in order to give our bodies all they need. Eating unprocessed made me put less emphasis on the less-filling grains, and more on filling, balanced eating.

My taste also began to change. Eventually, I stopped buying salted peanuts and salted butter because it began tasting too salty for me. I know that sounds cray, but it’s true.

So what did I eat? For breakfast, since I’m king of waking up as late as possible, I usually had a couple pieces of fruit (oranges and apples) or a tall glass of milk as I ran out the door. If I had time, I would make this really good oatless granola. I ate it so much that I hate it now, but it was good at the time.

For snacks, I’d eat fruit or homemade trail mix (peanuts, raisins, sunflower seeds, and almonds).

For lunch and dinner I ate practically the same meals because they’re kind of the same in my head. I would either cook chicken with veggies (onions, carrots, and tomatoes), make some kind of hash (beet beef hash isn’t too bad), bake chicken and potatoes, make some eggs, or make soup. I made A LOT of soup. Soup is WAY easy to make and you can make it out of anything.

When did I have the time to make all this?  I cooked a lot on Sundays and saved the leftovers in the fridge. That usually lasted me until Wednesday or Thursday (my weekend starts on Thursday, so…).

I was excited for November to come (really, October 31, since Halloween was technically a cheat day) and boy am I glad it’s here. I can make and eat any thing at any time. It was nice to be so strict for a while, but I DON’T think I could do it FOREVER.

After four months, though, I think I learned valuable things about eating in a more balanced, healthy way. I don’t see myself as a food robot anymore, and that’s a good thing.

I can think of three reasons why I was able to go the full four months:

1) I know how to cook and cook GOOD. If I didn’t know how to season/cook meat correctly, I deftotes would have hated this a lot more than I didn’t.

2) My mommy always taught me to eat healthy things (I never saw an ice cream carton in my house unless Dad could sneak it in).

3) Once I got used to the food, it wasn’t hard since I could eat AS MUCH as I wanted (and I did).

So this was a good time. Kind of a like a party in my tummy.

As for how it affected my physical appearance/buffness, here are some before-and-after shots:


So there was some, but not much, improvement.